Monday, October 31

Ranting ...


Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. Neil Gaiman


If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open you heart to. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.


Friday, October 21

Are you mad at me?

There were many years where I was a hypocrite, telling other people they shouldn't put up with abuse, but there I was inside the tornado myself.

Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember inwardly wincing before each anticipated strike. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him "Are you mad at me?"

There is residual damage... When I don't hear from a guy for a while I start to think he is beginning the same dynamics in which withholding affection is crucial and he is punishing me in the same way my abuser did whenever I expressed my true feelings.

I feel angry and rejected when he ignores me, freezes me out, doesn’t respond...Why?

That train of questions wasn’t rhetorical. I don’t have a solid answer.

Throughout everything I’ve been doing, I’ve come to realize that I’ve actually been happy for a long time.

There are lots of good reasons why I don't want a relationship and feel I am not ready to have one with a partner right now. Being single can be great and it is a good time to focus on what I want.
 

Sunday, October 16

Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. & never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Friday, October 7

A kind of destiny


Some people find me cold or emotionally detached because I live in my mind, not in my emotions and feelings... It might be hard to pin down how I am feeling because I easily live in denial. A person who is able to read deep into another person will notice when I am not well but if they confront me about it, I would rather retreat than talk about it.


Have you ever done something for someone, not expecting anything in return? I do it all the time...  Helping people in need is a good and essential part of my life, a kind of destiny. We never know when some small kindness will forever make a difference in the lives of total strangers ... even without recognition ... will create a trail of miracles...
I know you will say don’t waste your time on people who don’t appreciate it ...

The thing is my self-worth and self-confidence drains down into bare, well, mush…and an inability to accept the greatness that I naturally have. I live vicariously through others.

When I give a per­son something, am I really expect­ing some­thing back from them? Maybe yes, maybe no... For me sin­cerely mak­ing a per­son feel bet­ter is what I am expect­ing. If that per­son feels bet­ter due to me giv­ing them, then I feel bet­ter. It actu­ally makes life more enjoy­able for me and I’m sure the person receiv­ing the gift.

Do you know what I mean? Or am I really just being overly… weird … on this one?

Wednesday, October 5

The war

My heart is what keeps me alive, it fuels me and it gives me the passion to follow my dreams. It is powerful.... but it cannot make logical decisions... and my mind loves to analyze... it analyzes everything I do; it creates my dreams, my goals, my reality.... My mind makes logical decision. My mind knows what is best for me and where I want to go. It sets my standards and sets me free.

My heart was breaking before we even broke up... It was breaking because I felt neglected and unappreciated. Unloved, crappy, worthless... My mind knew that I was not getting what I wanted. But my heart knew that it wanted him....  My heart tried to convince my mind to change the way it thinks in order for us to work out. My heart kept telling my mind to shut up. My brain said no. My heart got weaker. My mind whispered to my heart "just let him go" ... and so my heart cried... and he was gone. And it hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and there was nothing to get my mind away from thinking about him because the heart make the mind suffer...

And so there were some days when my mind were stronger than my heart and other days my heart were stronger than my mind. And I was at war with myself ... and I just wanted peace.

I will always say I feel okay or everything is fine even when it's not... This is an easy way out, the one thing that I don’t like to analyze is my  feelings, so pretending everything is okay is a good
defense mechanism for not having to take a closer look at my feelings.

But one day the peace came. It was so sudden. I just realized my heart doesn’t need to surrender. You don’t let go of your feelings. You just accept them. And accept and respect others feelings too.

I exist in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, I present a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. I can tire myself out without even moving!

Some people might find me cold or emotionally detached because I live in my mind, not in my emotions and feelings.
But my mind is happy and my heart is at peace. No more over-analyzing emotions. I learned my lesson in life. To err is human, to forgive divine, especially when it comes to love.

From inwardly gazing to outwardly reflecting...

I am a woman that can bear a crushing pain and face a hostile world with her head held high. I have been through a lot. There's a lot to learn about my tender, fragile little self of spotless womanhood.
For one thing, my spine is made of stainless steel. But I do cry too. Just never let people know. Or most of them.

I’m shy. No argument there. Don’t do crazy stuff like... I don't get arrested for drunken driving. Yet. But in my head and private life I’m force of nature...My mind is always working and analyzing... I do stuff people fear and deal with a lot.... But I am  a woman. I have all the necessary wiles and weapons, including a determination to pursue happiness wherever the path happens to lead me. A few prickly thorns along the way won't cause me either to faint or cry weakly for help.

I’m deadly practical and divinely romantic at the same time. I am a perfectionist, but that doesn't  mean that I am perfect. If you can bear the wound to your male ego, you might profit from taking my financial advice, or letting me handle your career.

For me truth is beauty-and beauty is truth. But I hide a lot. Few know bits and pieces what’s going on in my mind and life... and I like it this way. My colors are Dark Brown, Navy Blue and Cream...  My moods too.

I have an instinct towards changeability and an easy ability to let go of past situations in preparation for future needs...

Welcome to my blog.