Happiness for me is.....
Falling in love.
A hot shower.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Chocolate...
A bubble bath...
Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful
Having someone play with your hair.
Holding hands with someone you care about.
Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
Watching the sunrise.
Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
Knowing that somebody misses you.
Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake...
Monday, December 12
Monday, November 28
I never thought
“I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but thank you. Because if
you hadn’t of come along, I never would have learned that my worst day
could also have been my best. Because when a heart breaks, it also
opens; and once a heart opens any number of things can happen, and some
of them can be wonderful.”
There's nothing else I can say...
I'm happy
I'm focussing on me and getting to know myself better. I'm happy right where I am.
Maybe I have failed more often than I have succeeded but I can pick myself up, hold my head high and move forward.
Because I’m telling you that from this great fall, I’ve come a long way and I love my life now more than ever thought possible.
So smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love, all over again.
Maybe I have failed more often than I have succeeded but I can pick myself up, hold my head high and move forward.
Because I’m telling you that from this great fall, I’ve come a long way and I love my life now more than ever thought possible.
So smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love, all over again.
Wednesday, November 23
...knowledge of the woman I've grown to be
"A true soul mate is probably the most important person
you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to
live with a soul mate forever ? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into
your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A
soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show
you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get
in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform
your life."
The first thing I think about is him... remember his smile, his voice, his tears when I made him sad, listening to my sad stories, hugging me when life is hard...
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." Eleanor Roosevelt
I am sorry to bring it all here. I have no where else to let my feeling out... It's the hardest thing for me to reach out now and ask for help. All that knowledge of the woman I've grown to be has it's limitations...
Wednesday, November 16
Too often ...
Too often we underestimate the power of:
- a touch
- a smile
- a kind word
- a listening ear
- an honest compliment
- the smallest act of caring
…all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
– Leo BuscagliaTuesday, November 8
Why not :)
The quizziest quiz this side of Quizville ..
1) smoked weed or cigs: YES, Cigarettes
2) consumed alcohol: YES
3) slept in the same bed with some one of the opposite sex: YES
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex: YES
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex: YES
6) made out with someone of the same sex: NO
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex: YES
8) watched porn: YES
9) bought porn: NO
10) done drugs: NO
Total: 7
11) taken pain killers: YES
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine: YES
13) lied to your parents: YES
14) lied to a friend: YES
15) snuck out of the house: YES
16) done something illegal: YES
17) cut yourself: NO
18) hurt someone: YES
19) wished someone to die: YES
20) seen someone die: NO
Total: 8
21) missed curfew: YES
22) stayed out all night: YES
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself: NO
24) been to a therapist: YES
25) been to rehab: NO
26) dyed your hair: YES
27) received a ticket: YES
28) been in a wreck: YES
29) been to a club: YES
Total: 7
31) been to a wild party: YES
32) seen the Mardi Gras: NO, Who ?
33) drank more than four beers in a night: NO
34) had a summer break in Florida: NO
35) sniffed anything: : NO
36) wore black nail polish: NO
37) wore arm bands: YES
38) wore t-shirts with band names: YES
39) listened to rap: YES
40) own a 50 cent cd: NO
Total: 4
41) dressed gothic: YES
42) dressed prep: YES
43) dressed punk: YES
44) dressed grunge: YES
45) stole something: YES
46) been too drunk to remember anything: YES
47) blacked out: YES
48) fainted: YES
49) had a crush on your neighbor: YES
50) had someone sneak into your room: NO
Total: 9
51) snuck into someone else's room: NO
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex: NO
53) been to a concert: YES
54) dry humped someone: YES
55) been called a slut: NO
56) called someone a slut: YES
57) installed speakers in your car: YES
58) broke a mirror: YES
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house: YES
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush: YES
Total: 7
61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper: NO
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters: YES
63) cruised the mall: YES
64) skipped school: YES
65) had an eating disorder: NO
66) had an injury: YES
67) gone to court: YES
68) walked out of a restaurant without paying: NO
69) caught something on fire: YES
70) lied about your age: NO
Total: 6
71) owned an apartment: YES
72) cheated on: YES
73) been cheated on: YES
74) got in trouble with the police: NO
75) talked to a stranger: YES
76) hugged a stranger: YES
77) kissed a stranger: YES
78) rode in the car with a stranger: YES
79) been sexually harassed: YES
80) been verbally harassed: YES
Total: 9
81) met face to face with someone you met online: YES
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight: YES
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight: YES
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight: YES
85) been to a fair: YES
86) been called a bad influence: YES
87) cursed: YES
88) prank called someone: YES
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex: YES
90) cheated on a test: YES
Total: 10
91) cheated on homework: YES
92) received/given a handjob: YES
93) been pushed into a pool: YES
94) played pool: YES
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight: NO
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older then you: NO
97) had a crush on someone younger: YES
98) wear eyeliner: YES
99) skinny dipped: NO
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt: NO
Total: 6
TOTAL: 73
I'm Badder Than Bad Ass ...Huh? Really? LOL
0-10= Girly
10-15= Preppy
15-24= A little cool..
25-30= Cool
31-50= Bad Ass
61-70= Rock Star
71-80= Badder Then Bad Ass
81-90= Must Be Italian
91-100= Going to meet Hitler
1) smoked weed or cigs: YES, Cigarettes
2) consumed alcohol: YES
3) slept in the same bed with some one of the opposite sex: YES
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex: YES
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex: YES
6) made out with someone of the same sex: NO
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex: YES
8) watched porn: YES
9) bought porn: NO
10) done drugs: NO
Total: 7
11) taken pain killers: YES
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine: YES
13) lied to your parents: YES
14) lied to a friend: YES
15) snuck out of the house: YES
16) done something illegal: YES
17) cut yourself: NO
18) hurt someone: YES
19) wished someone to die: YES
20) seen someone die: NO
Total: 8
21) missed curfew: YES
22) stayed out all night: YES
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself: NO
24) been to a therapist: YES
25) been to rehab: NO
26) dyed your hair: YES
27) received a ticket: YES
28) been in a wreck: YES
29) been to a club: YES
Total: 7
31) been to a wild party: YES
32) seen the Mardi Gras: NO, Who ?
33) drank more than four beers in a night: NO
34) had a summer break in Florida: NO
35) sniffed anything: : NO
36) wore black nail polish: NO
37) wore arm bands: YES
38) wore t-shirts with band names: YES
39) listened to rap: YES
40) own a 50 cent cd: NO
Total: 4
41) dressed gothic: YES
42) dressed prep: YES
43) dressed punk: YES
44) dressed grunge: YES
45) stole something: YES
46) been too drunk to remember anything: YES
47) blacked out: YES
48) fainted: YES
49) had a crush on your neighbor: YES
50) had someone sneak into your room: NO
Total: 9
51) snuck into someone else's room: NO
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex: NO
53) been to a concert: YES
54) dry humped someone: YES
55) been called a slut: NO
56) called someone a slut: YES
57) installed speakers in your car: YES
58) broke a mirror: YES
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house: YES
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush: YES
Total: 7
61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper: NO
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters: YES
63) cruised the mall: YES
64) skipped school: YES
65) had an eating disorder: NO
66) had an injury: YES
67) gone to court: YES
68) walked out of a restaurant without paying: NO
69) caught something on fire: YES
70) lied about your age: NO
Total: 6
71) owned an apartment: YES
72) cheated on: YES
73) been cheated on: YES
74) got in trouble with the police: NO
75) talked to a stranger: YES
76) hugged a stranger: YES
77) kissed a stranger: YES
78) rode in the car with a stranger: YES
79) been sexually harassed: YES
80) been verbally harassed: YES
Total: 9
81) met face to face with someone you met online: YES
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight: YES
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight: YES
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight: YES
85) been to a fair: YES
86) been called a bad influence: YES
87) cursed: YES
88) prank called someone: YES
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex: YES
90) cheated on a test: YES
Total: 10
91) cheated on homework: YES
92) received/given a handjob: YES
93) been pushed into a pool: YES
94) played pool: YES
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight: NO
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older then you: NO
97) had a crush on someone younger: YES
98) wear eyeliner: YES
99) skinny dipped: NO
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt: NO
Total: 6
TOTAL: 73
I'm Badder Than Bad Ass ...Huh? Really? LOL
0-10= Girly
10-15= Preppy
15-24= A little cool..
25-30= Cool
31-50= Bad Ass
61-70= Rock Star
71-80= Badder Then Bad Ass
81-90= Must Be Italian
91-100= Going to meet Hitler
Monday, October 31
Ranting ...
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.Neil Gaiman
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open you heart to. I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.
Friday, October 21
Are you mad at me?
There were many years where I was a hypocrite, telling other people they
shouldn't put up with abuse, but there I was
inside the tornado myself.
Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember inwardly wincing before each anticipated strike. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him "Are you mad at me?"
There is residual damage... When I don't hear from a guy for a while I start to think he is beginning the same dynamics in which withholding affection is crucial and he is punishing me in the same way my abuser did whenever I expressed my true feelings.
I feel angry and rejected when he ignores me, freezes me out, doesn’t respond...Why?
That train of questions wasn’t rhetorical. I don’t have a solid answer.
Throughout everything I’ve been doing, I’ve come to realize that I’ve actually been happy for a long time.
There are lots of good reasons why I don't want a relationship and feel I am not ready to have one with a partner right now. Being single can be great and it is a good time to focus on what I want.
Disagreeing with him was never a good idea. After doing so, I remember inwardly wincing before each anticipated strike. And even when there was no reaction, I found myself wondering and even asking him "Are you mad at me?"
There is residual damage... When I don't hear from a guy for a while I start to think he is beginning the same dynamics in which withholding affection is crucial and he is punishing me in the same way my abuser did whenever I expressed my true feelings.
I feel angry and rejected when he ignores me, freezes me out, doesn’t respond...Why?
That train of questions wasn’t rhetorical. I don’t have a solid answer.
Throughout everything I’ve been doing, I’ve come to realize that I’ve actually been happy for a long time.
There are lots of good reasons why I don't want a relationship and feel I am not ready to have one with a partner right now. Being single can be great and it is a good time to focus on what I want.
Sunday, October 16
Friday, October 7
A kind of destiny
Some people find me cold or emotionally detached because I live in my mind, not in my emotions and feelings... It might be hard to pin down how I am feeling because I easily live in denial. A person who is able to read deep into another person will notice when I am not well but if they confront me about it, I would rather retreat than talk about it.
Have you ever done something for someone, not expecting anything in return? I do it all the time... Helping people in need is a good and essential part of my life, a kind of destiny. We never know when some small kindness will forever make a difference in the lives of total strangers ... even without recognition ... will create a trail of miracles...
I know you will say don’t waste your time on people who don’t appreciate it ...
The thing is my self-worth and self-confidence drains down into bare, well, mush…and an inability to accept the greatness that I naturally have. I live vicariously through others.
When I give a person something, am I really expecting something back from them? Maybe yes, maybe no... For me sincerely making a person feel better is what I am expecting. If that person feels better due to me giving them, then I feel better. It actually makes life more enjoyable for me and I’m sure the person receiving the gift.
Do you know what I mean? Or am I really just being overly… weird … on this one?
Wednesday, October 5
The war
My heart is what keeps me alive, it fuels me and it gives me the passion to follow my dreams. It is powerful.... but it cannot make logical decisions... and my mind loves to analyze... it analyzes everything I do; it creates my dreams, my goals, my reality.... My mind makes logical decision. My mind knows what is best for me and where I want to go. It sets my standards and sets me free.
My heart was breaking before we even broke up... It was breaking because I felt neglected and unappreciated. Unloved, crappy, worthless... My mind knew that I was not getting what I wanted. But my heart knew that it wanted him.... My heart tried to convince my mind to change the way it thinks in order for us to work out. My heart kept telling my mind to shut up. My brain said no. My heart got weaker. My mind whispered to my heart "just let him go" ... and so my heart cried... and he was gone. And it hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and there was nothing to get my mind away from thinking about him because the heart make the mind suffer...
And so there were some days when my mind were stronger than my heart and other days my heart were stronger than my mind. And I was at war with myself ... and I just wanted peace.
I will always say I feel okay or everything is fine even when it's not... This is an easy way out, the one thing that I don’t like to analyze is my feelings, so pretending everything is okay is a good
defense mechanism for not having to take a closer look at my feelings.
But one day the peace came. It was so sudden. I just realized my heart doesn’t need to surrender. You don’t let go of your feelings. You just accept them. And accept and respect others feelings too.
I exist in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, I present a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. I can tire myself out without even moving!
Some people might find me cold or emotionally detached because I live in my mind, not in my emotions and feelings.
But my mind is happy and my heart is at peace. No more over-analyzing emotions. I learned my lesson in life. To err is human, to forgive divine, especially when it comes to love.
From inwardly gazing to outwardly reflecting...
I am a woman that can bear a crushing pain and face a hostile world with her head held high. I have been through a lot. There's a lot to learn about my tender, fragile little self of spotless womanhood.
For one thing, my spine is made of stainless steel. But I do cry too. Just never let people know. Or most of them.
I’m shy. No argument there. Don’t do crazy stuff like... I don't get arrested for drunken driving. Yet. But in my head and private life I’m force of nature...My mind is always working and analyzing... I do stuff people fear and deal with a lot.... But I am a woman. I have all the necessary wiles and weapons, including a determination to pursue happiness wherever the path happens to lead me. A few prickly thorns along the way won't cause me either to faint or cry weakly for help.
I’m deadly practical and divinely romantic at the same time. I am a perfectionist, but that doesn't mean that I am perfect. If you can bear the wound to your male ego, you might profit from taking my financial advice, or letting me handle your career.
For me truth is beauty-and beauty is truth. But I hide a lot. Few know bits and pieces what’s going on in my mind and life... and I like it this way. My colors are Dark Brown, Navy Blue and Cream... My moods too.
I have an instinct towards changeability and an easy ability to let go of past situations in preparation for future needs...
Welcome to my blog.
For one thing, my spine is made of stainless steel. But I do cry too. Just never let people know. Or most of them.
I’m shy. No argument there. Don’t do crazy stuff like... I don't get arrested for drunken driving. Yet. But in my head and private life I’m force of nature...My mind is always working and analyzing... I do stuff people fear and deal with a lot.... But I am a woman. I have all the necessary wiles and weapons, including a determination to pursue happiness wherever the path happens to lead me. A few prickly thorns along the way won't cause me either to faint or cry weakly for help.
I’m deadly practical and divinely romantic at the same time. I am a perfectionist, but that doesn't mean that I am perfect. If you can bear the wound to your male ego, you might profit from taking my financial advice, or letting me handle your career.
For me truth is beauty-and beauty is truth. But I hide a lot. Few know bits and pieces what’s going on in my mind and life... and I like it this way. My colors are Dark Brown, Navy Blue and Cream... My moods too.
I have an instinct towards changeability and an easy ability to let go of past situations in preparation for future needs...
Welcome to my blog.
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